Watch Your Step

Walking behind the two officers, Max Ernst admired their tilted hats. SS officers, himself included, always tilted their hats. It was a brand that distinguished them for all other German officers. Being a former marketing executive, Ernst could appreciate the value of a brand. The two officers took Ernst and his attaché into a large, unimpressive building. A building with no distinct features but those found within its four walls. They passed through a ‘waiting room’ and a ‘hair room’ until finally they arrived at a massive steel door. Beyond it lay a large room filled only with shower heads.

-“There”, said one of the SS officers. “That’s the door to the gas chamber. That’s the problem. Fix it”. The officers turned around and existed the building.

“Well?”, asked Ernst.

-“Well what?”

“Well does it look scary?”

“It’s the entrance to a gas chamber! Of course it looks scary” answered the attaché sitting down on the stairs. He then took a bite from an apple that echoed throughout the empty chamber.

“Yes, but the whole point is to make it less scary so that people gladly walk in” insisted a frustrated Ernst.

“You expect people to waltz into to a gas chamber?” asked the attaché taking another bite from his apple. The attaché was the newest recruit in the SS’s Jewish Affairs Department. Ernst was asked to ‘show him the ropes’ but wished he could show him the door.

“It’s all in the presentation”, argued the former marketing executive. “If they don’t think it’s a gas chamber they won’t mind going in”.

“Well how on earth can you mask a death trap like a gas chamber?”

“Through marketing” explained Ernst now examining the empty chamber. “That’s what marketers do. Why marketers get people into death traps like cars and trams all the time. They even get kids to go fight the Russians. What we need now is a marketing slogan, a way to get people into this particular death trap. One that already looks like a shower, albeit a cold one”.

The two men grew silent and only the echo of the apple could be heard. Ernst leaned on the gas chamber’s door while the attaché, now half way through the apple, placed his elbows on the steps and reclined comfortably.

“A sign!” yelled Ernst slightly startling the attaché. “That’s what we need. A sign. A sign you would not expect to find outside a death trap. A sign that hangs in the entrance to a shower”. Ernst picked up a pad of paper, removed a pencil from behind his ear and quickly scribbled something. He then turned the pad and, like a boy seeking validation from his father, asked “How about- Welcome?”.

-“Welcome?” repeated the attaché. “It doesn’t sound very German. Or very SS-like. Since when do we welcome Jews? Anywhere? It sounds like a hoax” concluded the young recruit with little interest. He then threw the apple stem into the chamber and used a nail to dislodge some pieces of fruit that desperately clung to his teeth. 

“Good point. What about a simple This way please”. Ernst added a small arrow to the pad of paper. ”It’s short and not too patronizing”.

The attaché paused for a moment and looked at the pad. “That’s better, I think. But this is a one way assembly line, isn’t it?”.

“Yup” replied an enthused Ernst. He was now in his element. He could feel the adrenaline coursing through his veins as he sought to solve the puzzle in front of him. He relished the opportunity to exchange ideas, to try different approaches, to draft a phrase and erase it only to draft it again until finally reaching the ecstasy of a solution. “It’s a one-way assembly line. From the waiting room, to the hair room, to the gas chamber and finally to the furnace”. 

-“So it’s a redundant sign. Obviously people will ‘walk this way’. German signs are never redundant. They convey the exact amount of information necessary. Like ‘Rouse’, or ‘Schnell’ or ‘Halt’.

Ernst paced back and forth as the attaché asked “Why all the fuss? Those two officers said that these chambers has been working perfectly for months”.

-“Rumors. The Jews are expecting to be gassed. It makes them hesitant to enter the chamber. So the gassing takes longer meaning this camp doesn’t meet its daily deaths quota. That’s why we’re here and that’s why this room is no longer a scary gas chamber but a friendly, familiar, shower. A nice bath after a long train ride. See, the room is already fitted with shower heads. Just as you’d expect”.

The attaché smiled. “Is the water hot?”

-“Boiling”. They both laughed for a moment. “The shower heads look good but this entrance door to the chamber, this steel monster is too daunting. SS architects have no flair for design. Nor a mind for marketing for that matter”.

“But they get the job done quickly” quarreled the attaché hoping to go back to the hotel and get some rest. “And you have been looking at this door for an hour without making any progress”.

“You can’t rush the creative process” explained Ernst, his eyes fixed on the steel door. “Inspiration takes her time. You know how long it took us to design the ‘Go East’ campaign. Coming up with the ‘relocation to the East’ slogan and creating logos and fake map for the Jews standing in the Ghetto deportation squares. Now that was a challenge! Getting Jews to eagerly board trains headed for this very chamber. No. This door is not a challenge” he said out loud sensing the solution was nearby. “No. This door is just a roadblock. All I need is a bit of inspiration”.

-“More like perspiration. Why is it so bloody hot down here” asked the attaché no longer wearing his jacket.


“The furnace. They keep it running day and night”.

Now the attaché smiled recalling “One of the officers told me that that’s the difference between Santa Clause and a Jew. One climbs down the chimney and exits through the door while the other enters through the door and exits up the chimney. Maybe we need a sign that says ‘after shower proceed to sauna’?”

A bit thick, thought Ernst. “No. But you are right. We need something short and pithy. Something simple like ‘ice cold’ or ‘homeward bound’. Something that drives the senses or steers emotions. How about…”

Silence took root. Not an awkward silence but a tense one. The attaché could actually sense it. He could smell the change in chemistry, touch the energy now occupying the space between the two men. Finally, Ernst turned around, smiled and simply said “Watch your step”.

“Watch your step?!” blurted the confused attaché.

-“Well if you are about to be killed no one would care where you stepped”, said Ernst, sitting beside the attaché. “And if you are going to live, the last thing we Germans want is for you to get injured”. 

“But what does it actually mean? How does it drive those ‘senses’ and ‘emotions’ of yours?”

The former marketing executive laughed. This was the beauty of marketing, he thought. That even a fellow marketer fails to interpret the message at first.

“Watch your step. It means… we care about you. It means you have value. It means you are a human being. Yes…Watch Your Step. That’s what you’d expect to read in the entrance to a shower.”

-“You mean a gas chamber”.

I Have Another Call

“Elders of Zion, how may I direct your call?”, asked the elderly women, sitting in front of a switchboard in Brooklyn.

“Hello? Hello?”, answered the man from Berlin, amazed to receive a response. “I need to speak to someone about Germany”.

“Sir please speak up”, insisted the woman in Brooklyn, “the line is poor”.

“I need to speak to someone about Germany!”

“Please hold for Rabbi Levi” replied the receptionist, effortlessly moving cables across the massive switchboard.

“Yes?” asked the elderly Rabbi, his white beard riddled with cream cheese.

“They’re killing Jews!”

-“What?”

“Their killing Jews! In Germany!” said the frantic man.

“Eh. What else is new? Rochale! Rochale!” roared the Rabbi at the switchboard, “Where is the lux?”

“What?! Elders of Zion, how may I direct your call?”

“Where is the lux?!” cried the distressed Rabbi Levi “This bagel is dry!”.

“It’s on the table, Rabbi. On the right! Elders of Zion, how may I direct your call?”

“Their killing Jews in Germany!” pleaded the caller from across the Atlantic.

“Well, what do you want us to do about it?”

“You run the economy don’t you?” begged the caller.

“We have made certain investments in certain banks”.

“Then cripple Germany’s economy”.

“What are you, a mishugas!” wondered the Rabbi. “Germany is one of our biggest export markets. Rochale, who is this on the phone?”

“Then boycott arms sales to Germany!” suggested the caller.

“Nisht Gut” answered the Rabbi as another piece of lux disappeared into his gut. “It’s one of our most profitable enterprises. And the bandages”.

“What?!”

“The ban-da-ges! We are selling the Germans millions of bandages. All across Europe”.

“Then get America into the war!”

“Oy. Rochale, this uber chuchem wants us to get America into the war”. Rochale laughed all the while connecting the many calls. “We need the politicians in our pockets” explained Rabbi Levi. “How do you think we run the whorehouses up in Harlem?”

“Then send us food! We need food!”

“Hey! What do you think this is? Some Kosher catering service. We’re running a business here. Not a charity”.

“Help us! Please!” pleaded the man from another world.

“I’m sorry, I have another call”.

The Adventures of the Fiery Steed Black Shadow

He was not eager to join the war. Not that he was afraid of fighting. Or at least he did not think that he was afraid of fighting. Rather, he knew that his talents lay elsewhere and the Reich, in its brilliance, soon recognized those talents. Specifically, his aptitude for personal detachment. He could write of death and suffering without giving pause to think of those reading his words, or those he wrote of. He was therefore given the task of composing telegrams bearing news of sons lost in battle or soldiers robbed of their limbs. His first posting was in a Battalion command in Western Poland. Each morning, he would receive a list of casualties and, true to the military’s template, would offer families little information about how their sons died.

Dear Madam Berthold,

I regret to inform you that your son, Fritz, died in battle on September 10th, 1939. Rest assured that his death was not in vain, but part of our nation’s struggle for independence.

Yours,

Ellois Goering,

Commander, 6th Infantry Battalion.

By week’s end, he comprised 100 telegrams. By the month’s end, he had comprised 500. His fast typing was music to the commander’s ears as he was, by far, the fastest typist in the steno pool. Not that he was counting. In the evenings he would retreat to the canteen and eat a bowl of soup with dry bread. The other soldiers did not converse with him, which was not surprising. His detachment had often resulted in seclusion. Little did he know that he was referred to by all as the ‘Grin Reaper’, owing to the perpetual grin on his face.

In 1940 he was dispatched to Denmark and then Norway. There he began smoking, not out of style but out of boredom. Like typing, he excelled at smoking and with a cigarette hanging from his lower lip he continued to write dozens of telegram. Later, he was sent to Belgium. While some of his peers had been seconded to fighting units, he remained in place averaging 100 telegrams per day pausing only for his dry bread and his lonely bed.

He did not see Brussels or stroll down the streets of Copenhagen. He did not marvel at the speed of the Panzers or rejoice in the victories of the Luftwaffe. He did his duty, and payed little attention to the world.

With the commencement of operation Barbarossa, he was dispatched to the Eastern Front. At first there were few telegrams to write and over the course of several weeks a certain levity entered his heart. The steno pool was quiet in those first few days. Sitting in front of his silenced typewriter, awaiting grim news, he had time to think. This was a strange sensation as he had usually kept himself busy. At home, he delved into books, or read academic journals in preparation for his law degree. Yet Russia offered little books or open universities. And so he sat and pondered. First, he wondered if Germans could ever acclimate to the Russian weather. Next, he thought of the horses enlisted to war, facing the same artillery shells as humans yet without choosing to do so or understanding why they were fighting.

He then delved into a potent day dream about a horse rebellion that crippled the German offense. It begun with Black Shadow, a fiery steed responsible for carrying large cannons from one village to the next. Haunted by the images of death and mayhem around him, Black Shadow broke free of his reigns, and under heavy fire, escaped to a nearby forest. Refusing to leave his compatriots behind, Black Shadow used the cover of darkness to approach other horses carrying tank shells, or food or the bodies of dead Germans. Fearing their masters’ whips, the horses initially refused to join Black Shadow. Yet the tales of his exploits, and the dream of freedom, soon turned Black Shadow to legend. Racing faster than steno poll typists, Black Shadow visited units spread across the European frontier amassing an army of black and white horses. At first, they were ten, then they were twenty and eventually, Black Shadow was leading the largest revolt in military history, eclipsing that of Spartacus. Midway through another daring horse rescue by Black Shadow, a soldier entered the steno pool with a short causality list.

Ready to pounce at the keys in front of him he suddenly drew back. If horses and slaves could rebel, maybe he could as well.

Dear Madam Frank,

I regret to inform you that your son, Alfred, died in battle on July 6th, 1941. Trapped within a forested area, and surrounded by Bolshevik tanks, Alfred stormed the enemy’s position killing three soldiers and single handedly demolishing a Bolshevik armored vehicle. Alas, Alfred was then struck by a bolt of lightning killing him instantly. Please rest assured that your son’s death was not in vain as his heroic exploits saved the lives of many of his counterparts.

Germany remains forever in your debt.

Yours,

Arthur Frick,

Commander, 5th Infantry Battalion

As smoke rose from the ashtray, he inspected the telegram and placed in the pile of outgoing mail. Evening came with little warning. In the canteen, he ate a bowl of soup but passed on the dry bread. Exalted, he exited the barracks and sat under the night’s sky. A rare moment of silence followed and grinning, he dozed off.

He awoke to sound of nearby explosions. Unphased, as these had become part of daily life, he entered the steno pool where a list of causalities was awaiting.

Dear Frau Rosenberg,

I regret to inform you that your son, Joachim, died on the night of July 7th, 1941. Tasked with conquering a radio station, Joachim led a detachment of soldiers into enemy territory, with only his personal weapon to protect him. Storming the radio station, Joachim heroically took the life of a Bolshevik General and his mistress, a Prima Ballerina in the Bolshoi. It is hard to imagine that the Bolshoi will ever recover from this loss, especially this late in the ballet season. Regrettably, that same night, Joachim contracted a violent cold and was put to death by his unit’s physician. Rest assured that your son’s actions have saved the lives of countless Germans.

I remain forever in your debt,

Arthur Fink,

Commander, 5th Infantry Battalion

He reviewed the telegram, nodded and quickly moved on.

Dear Frau Funk,

It is with a heavy heart that I write to inform of your son’s death on this July 7th, 1941. Although Alfred did not die on the battlefield his death has struck a devastating blow to the enemy. When visiting a small Ukrainian village, Alfred drew the attention of a young Ukrainian women named Mila. Faced with death, and the prospects of winter, Alfred and Mila made passionate love to one another. Just as they were climaxing, Mila’s father entered her room to find his one and only daughter being deflowered by a German officer. Mila’s father reached for his pistol and shot his daughter, your son and finally, himself. What your son did not know was that Mila’s father was high-ranking operative in the Russian security services. In his death, Alfred has all but ensured the collapse of the Russian front.

I hope you find solace in the knowledge that your son met his death in the arms of a beautiful woman; albeit a Slav.

We all remain in your debt,

Arthur Fink,

Commander, 5th Infantry Battalion

P.S. Attached to this telegram please find your son’s personal belongings, including a packet of unused prophylactics.

Over the next few weeks, he advanced further and further into Russia and the recess of his mind. By August of 1941 he had perfected his writing skills.

Dear Frau Bormann,

It is with a heavy heart that I write to inform you of your son Hermann’s death on this day, August 11th, 1941. Hermann was beloved by his soldiers and commanders alike, not least because of his massive phallus. Late last night, Hermann’s unit came under intensive artillery fire. With little regard for his own safety, Hermann seized the enemy’s cannon and stuck his large phallus into its barrel. Soon, the cannon exploded killing several enemy soldiers as well as Hermann. Rest assured that Hermann’s actions have crippled the enemy’s front lines and allowed our own forces to advance towards Moscow.

Germany will not soon forget your son’s phallus.

On behalf of a grateful nation,

Franz Kietel,

Commander, 5th Infantry Battalion

By November of 1941, the causality lists began to grow as his daily average of telegrams declined. There were not enough hours in the day to describe the daring exploits of fallen German soldiers. On December 6th, he started new a telegram. Yet when he noticed the soldier’s name, and the woman he was addressing he turned white. They matched those of his own brother and mother. He left his desk and entered his superior’s office. Placing the causality list on the table, he quietly asked whether the 4th Panzer Unit had sustained any casualties. He then learned that the entire unit was destroyed when accidentally entering a minefield. “It was pure carnage”, uttered the superior. “Wherever they turned they met mines. Not one of them survived”.

He was not close to his brother. He was glued to him. They were made of the same tissue. His brother was the one person that he cared for, the one person that he loved. They had shared the same womb, entered the world at the same time, slept in the same room and attended the same class. When his brother hurt, he would feel pain, and when he retreated into his world, his brother would accompany him.

He placed a small piece of paper into his typewriter and wrote:

Dear Faru Streicher,

I regret to inform you that you have failed your son. You have neglected your most sacred duty as a mother- to protect the fruit of your loins. Early yesterday morning, your son’s tank exploded after mistakenly entering a minefield. The explosion was so severe, that there are no remains to fill his grave. He died in a Russian field of no importance and no distinction. His grave will forever be marked by your dereliction.

Yours,

Your reaming son,

Black Shadow